Why is My Therapist Always Talking About Self Compassion?

If you have been to therapy before, it’s likely your therapist has mentioned Self-Compassion one or two (or twenty…) times. 

According to Dr. Kristen Neff, there are three components to Self Compassion: 

1. Mindfulness - Taking a balanced and mindful perspective on our suffering

2. Common Humanity - Acknowledging that all humans suffer (to differing degrees) and being human is to be flawed, vulnerable, and imperfect

3. Self-Kindness - Responding to ourselves with understanding, support, and warmth, instead of minimizing our suffering or punishing ourselves. 

We often find it easier to show a friend compassion than ourselves. However the compassion we demonstrate towards others also includes these three components. In order to give a friend compassion, you need to:

1. Notice that your friend is suffering (mindfulness)

2. Feel understanding and connection with their human experience of suffering (common humanity)

3. Respond to them with warmth and care (kindness) 

If you have the capacity to show a friend compassion, you have the potential to be able to grow this care for yourself - even if it feels inauthentic right now. 

There are plenty of resources available that explain what self compassion is and exercises to help you practice showing yourself compassion. However we don’t often talk about the “Mechanism of Action” for self compassion. 

Why is a Self Compassion Practice Helpful? 

Wang et al. (2025) gathered information from 113 studies on self compassion to try to answer this question. This is what they found: 

When something difficult happens, people tend to fall into one of two traps: 

1. They get stuck in their thoughts (ruminating, worrying, overthinking, self-criticism etc.)

2. They try to avoid their feelings (numbing out, distracting themselves, dismissing their pain, pretending they are fine, etc.)

The researchers found that self compassion interrupts both of these patterns and helps people move through their suffering in a more helpful way. 

Imagine your Distressing Thoughts & Feelings are like a Campfire 

Rumination, self-criticism, and overthinking is like throwing gasoline on the fire. The more gasoline you use, the bigger and more difficult to manage it becomes.

Avoiding your feelings is like leaving the fire unattended. It might be fine this time, but one particularly strong gust of wind could knock a log out of place. If you aren’t there to tend to it, it might start an out of control blaze.  

With self compassion, you stop adding fuel to the fire. You sit beside the fire, acknowledge it’s there, and tend to it, as needed. With time, patience, and care, the fire will gradually settle on its own. 

The pain is still present for you, but it doesn’t become amplified by self-judgement. It also doesn’t get out of hand by ignoring it.

The researchers identified these three mechanisms of action for self compassion (Wang et al., 2025): 

1. Reducing Rumination - less replaying mistakes, less catastrophizing, less beating yourself up

2. Reducing experiential avoidance - less pushing feelings away, more willingness to acknowledge emotions and move through them

3. Increasing mindfulness - increasing the ability to notice thoughts and feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them, greater acceptance of difficult things

Self-compassion doesn't make hard things feel good or make them “okay”. What it does is change your relationship with the hard thing, so you are no longer fighting yourself while you're already hurting. 

At Kindling Psychology, I integrate Mindfulness Based Self Compassion with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Somatic Therapy, and other evidence-based therapies to help clients navigate anxiety, self-criticism, life transitions, relationship challenges, and the lasting effects of stress and trauma. Therapy isn't about getting rid of difficult emotions. It's about learning how to carry them with greater flexibility, compassion, and confidence so they no longer control your life.

If you're looking for ACT therapy in Edmonton, or you're curious about how a self-compassion practice can support your mental health, I invite you to reach out to learn more or to book a consultation with me.

References:

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Wang, J., Drossaert, C. H. C., Knevel, M., Chen, L., Bohlmeijer, E. T., & Schroevers, M. J. (2025). The Mechanisms Underlying the Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Psychological Outcomes in Adult Populations: A Systematic Review. Stress and health : journal of the International Society for the Investigation of Stress, 41(4), e70090. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.70090